John's Story

I am honored to be able to share this part of my life with you.  As I went through this process, I found it to be a very humbling experience.  When I really looked back at my life and remembered where I came from and what Jesus has done in my life, I was often overwhelmed.

I was a good person.  Well in reality, I was good at appearing to be a good person.  I hid a lot of who I was, and unfortunately the ones who got to see the real me were the ones closest to me.  I was an angry and stressed person.  This probably came from being raised in a strict house, where physical punishment was common, by a father who drank too much and didn’t investigate things before shoveling out discipline; and by a mother who didn’t know how to stop it.  It seemed that I could never do anything right, or anything that would please my father or make him proud of me, this continued even as an adult. 

I was raised in the Catholic Church.  I knew who Jesus was, that he was the Son of God and that he died on a cross for our sins.  I always felt that it wasn’t fair that someone else should be punished for the things I did wrong, just as I felt that I should not be punished for things others did.  But, I really didn’t know Jesus. I felt empty and frightened on the inside, and hid it with anger, which effectively kept people from getting close to me.

Eventually, I got married and started a family.  I was determined to be a better father than the one I had.  Unfortunately, better doesn’t necessarily mean good.  I still yelled and criticized, focusing on the mistakes of my children instead of their accomplishments.  This behavior and my selfishness put a strain on my marriage.  I knew I wanted to be better, but didn’t know how to do it.  I tried to change my behavior, but I just couldn’t maintain what I thought I should be.  I knew that I needed to do something to be a better father and husband, so we went to counseling.  This helped me to have a little better understanding about why I was doing some of the things I was, and to recognize the times I did them, but I still struggled with truly changing.  I wanted a happy marriage and family. I wanted a close relationship with my kids, but my priorities were preventing that from happening.  My marriage was failing; I was desperate, so I agreed to go to church.

We chose to attend a newer small church that was about a year old.  They were meeting in a school multi-purpose room at Gettysburg Elementary. (Can you imagine, meeting in a school cafeteria?)   I was guarded and just knew that they would judge me and find out who I really was, and would ask me for money.  I was wrong on both counts.  Everyone seemed friendly and spoke in real ways about struggles and hardships they were having.  I thought I just might fit in here, but I needed to clean up my life first, before these people and God would accept me.  I also didn’t want anyone to know how messed up my life was.  But, something kept me coming back week after week. 

Then there was the music.  Wow, the music.  I understood and could relate to the words in the songs.  The pastor spoke about how God doesn’t care how we sound, only that we choose to sing to him.  This gave me the freedom to sing to Him.  I will never forget when God addressed one of my misconceptions.  The band played “Come as You Are”, and I was overcome with emotion.  As I hung my head in embarrassment, hoping no one would notice, a woman behind me touched my shoulder and said. “God is trying to tell you something, listen to Him”.  Over the next few weeks I knew I needed more than what I was doing to change.  Everything I tried on my own, failed eventually.  And I still had questions.

While fishing with a friend from church, I asked him how this whole Jesus thing works.  He simply said that I just had to ask Jesus to come into my life and He would.  Then I just had to trust him, and my life would be different.

The next Sunday, the pastor invited us to pray and ask Jesus into our hearts, to accept him and his sacrifice for my sins and to have a real personal relationship.  I already knew that he died for my sins; I wanted to change, so I prayed.  Well, I repeated the words anyway.  I opened my eyes, there was no lightning, no pain, and nothing bad seemed to happen.  OK, I was capable of saying the words. I had tested the water.  But, nothing really changed, except that things seemed to be getting worse.

Two weeks later I said the same prayer again, this time for real, from my heart.  I had reached a point where I knew I could not do this alone; I needed the help I had been hearing about in Jesus!  I now know what it means to be broken. I had always thought it meant defective.

Again, there was no lightning, no bright light, just an inner peace, knowing that I had laid it all down and was truly coming to God for help.  I couldn’t do it alone.  I needed Jesus, his love, his forgiveness, his family and his strength!  It was this strength that gave me the courage to continue on, and to seek him. 

That was the first thing I noticed different in my life.  I wanted to know more about Jesus, this “Jesus” I had just committed my life to.  Who was he really?  I started reading the Bible, but I didn’t really understand everything I was reading, so I joined a home group, and started studying the Book of Matthew.

I can’t tell you that my life has been care free or wonderful since I accepted Christ.  But, I can say that He gave me the power and strength to not only survive hardships, but to learn and grow from them. 

About 2 years after accepting Christ, I experienced a collapse in my marriage.  I was devastated and found myself questioning God.  I asked him, “Why after 2 years of following you, are you allowing this to happen?”  The answer came as peace, in the realization that God wasn’t doing this to me but, He loved me so much that for the past two years he was preparing me to handle this when it occurred.  I learned a lot about forgiveness and trusting God in all circumstances.

I seem to be able to handle stress and difficult personal situations with more composure and peace.  I can still get angry, but it is so different than it was.  My anger motivates me to change things instead of lashing out at people, especially those close to me.  My children have told me that they have seen the difference in me; I have had friends comment on how I handle things now, compared to how I used to blow up.  I find myself not stressing about results, and trusting in God and his plans for me.  I find that God handles the outcomes much better than I do, even when they go in directions that were different what I had planned.  I have so many examples I know I don’t have time to share them all.
Last week Pastor Joe asked if we need faith to really change.  Some people might not, but I did.  I would not have the life I have or be the person I am today without Jesus.

-John